


From Love We Fall (I want to understand)

by CandiceWright



Series: Devotion Through the Seasons (Love in Four Acts) [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Era, Emotional Infidelity, Episode: s04e12-13 The Sword in the Stone, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Jealous Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s04e12-13 The Sword in the Stone, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:42:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22231987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CandiceWright/pseuds/CandiceWright
Summary: Merlin doesn’t talk to Arthur after his betrothal to Gwen. He helps with the preparations, he can’t not, but he can’t bear to talk to Arthur after what he did. And Arthur makes no effort to talk to him either. His eyes still follow him while he’s doing his chores, refusing to utter a single word, not even to explain. Not that Merlin would listen to anything he has to say. Because after all they’ve been through, after what they’ve shared he deserves more than him just fucking him and leaving him alone. He feels used, betrayed. And he knows in his heart that it wasn’t meant to last, but he knows just as much that what they had was real, the love was there. But he can’t do it anymore, not like this. Not when he feels like he can’t get out of bed every morning, when every step he takes feels like torture, when he’s forced to see everyone’s happiness at the prospect of having a new and wonderful queen.
Relationships: Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Devotion Through the Seasons (Love in Four Acts) [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1586317
Comments: 37
Kudos: 260
Collections: The Merlin/Arthur Kiss Fest 2019





	From Love We Fall (I want to understand)

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the entry for the Merlin/Arthur Kiss Fest: Autumn kisses! The autumn theme is more allegorical than literal, so I hope it still works for the fest.
> 
> I was informed that I didn't warn about the angst of the last part enough, so I'll say it here. This is an angsty series. This one is a little bit more lighthearted, but not that much. 
> 
> The last one is going to be pure angst. 
> 
> You have been warned.

Merlin doesn’t talk to Arthur after his betrothal to Gwen. He helps with the preparations, he can’t not, but he can’t bear to talk to Arthur after what he did. And Arthur makes no effort to talk to him either. His eyes still follow him while he’s doing his chores, refusing to utter a single word, not even to explain. Not that Merlin would listen to anything he has to say. Because after all they’ve been through, after what they’ve shared he deserves more than him just fucking him and leaving him alone. He feels used, betrayed. And he knows in his heart that it wasn’t meant to last, but he knows just as much that what they had was real, the love was there. But he can’t do it anymore, not like this. Not when he feels like he can’t get out of bed every morning, when every step he takes feels like torture, when he’s forced to see everyone’s happiness at the prospect of having a new and wonderful queen. 

And Merlin is happy for Gwen because he knows she’ll make a great queen but he can’t help but hate her because he should be the one in Arthur’s bed now, the one Arthur is kissing, the one he’s tasting and touching. And it’s selfish, Merlin knows, for they were never destined to be together like that. Gwen had always been the one who was meant to become queen. But Gods it hurts. It hurts to know what it is to have it all, only for it to be ripped out of your hands without an explanation. 

He continues to silently serve in the court until the day of Gwen's coronation. Arthur still doesn’t talk to him, but that morning he leaves a pile of new formal clothing fit for a lord in the physician's quarters with a note that says ‘saw this and thought of you’ and Merlin thinks he has a lot of nerve to do something like this on his wedding day, but he doesn’t say it, he keeps quiet, he bottles it up.

He attends the ceremony and manages not to cry, not to let anyone know how much he’s hurting, how much it feels like his soul is being ripped apart.

And right when the wedding ends, when he's back to the safety of his chambers, he makes a decision. A decision to take Arthur off his heart, to forget him. Because, as much as he wants to, he can’t leave. He has risked too much to keep Arthur safe to just leave it all behind. But he can’t go on chasing a love that isn’t his, that never was his.

So he does the only thing he can think of to forget. He goes to the tavern every night and lets himself be picked up by whichever stranger is willing to take him home. Whether they are men or women doesn’t matter as long as he gets to forget for a few blissful seconds, lost in the haze of his lust. Regret always comes when morning arrives along with soreness and shame, but he can’t bring himself to care because he has–needs–to forget.

When he serves Arthur in the mornings those days he looks at his eyes and he _knows_. He knows that Arthur knows what he’s doing. And he feels a little satisfaction when he sees the pain in his gaze because he did the same thing, he left Merlin behind and replaced the space in his bed with someone else. So it’s just fair that he gets to do the same.

So Merlin stares at him in a silent challenge, daring him to say something, to do something. And at first, Arthur just ignores him, he looks away. But one day he catches him, his legs wrapped around another knight’s waist in a hidden corner of the armoury, his head thrown back in shameful pleasure. When they notice the King’s presence, the knight is mortified and he leaves, getting dressed faster than Merlin has ever seen anyone else do it in his life.

Merlin just fixes his eyes on Arthur’s, pleased to see rage and jealousy in them.

But Arthur has always been impulsive so he pushes Merlin against the wall and kisses him fiercely, just like he fights, like he has something to prove. And Merlin opens up to him because he can’t help it, he still loves him, so, _so_ much. So much it feels like the world is going to end with just that one kiss and neither of them would care. Not when their mouths are sliding together, hot and wanton.

Arthur slots one of his legs between Merlins and grinds against him where he’s still hard and wanting from his earlier encounter, which is long forgotten. Merlin has to hold onto Arthur’s forearms so hard he’s sure to leave bruises and if he was thinking clearly he may have been concerned that Gwen could see them. 

But he can’t because he’s too far gone. 

And then what he fears most happens, the world comes crashing down as he reaches the peak of his pleasure and he can’t remember ever feeling this good. He shudders and screams and Arthur follows him shortly after marking his pleasure in Merlin’s skin, biting and bruising him.

They stay like that, tangled in each other for who knows how long because they know that once they pull away, reality will take over, destroying this perfect moment, and they can’t think about that right now. It's not fair for either of them, they know, to have this and then having it taken away.

But Arthur takes a step back and Merlin doesn’t realize he’s crying until Arthur wipes his tears away with a calloused but gentle hand. And then Merlin sees that Arthur is crying too and he can’t remember the last time he saw Arthur cry.

It’s then he understands. 

He understands that being apart hurts Arthur just as much as it hurts him. So he nods, letting him know that he gets it, that he’s not angry anymore, he doesn't hate him. He doubts he ever truly did. Arthur gives him a pitiful smile and then walks away, leaving Merlin alone once more.

He crumples to the ground and lets his tears flow freely, not caring about who may see him. 

He never knew love could hurt so much.

But he knows he has to go on. 

For Gaius, who is like a father to him, if not for anyone else. 

For himself, because he has a destiny to fulfil. 

But, most of all, for Arthur. For Arthur who loves him, even though he's not allowed to. For Arthur that he will always love, no matter what the world says.

For Arthur.

Always for Arthur.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it and subscribe to the series if you want to be notified when the last part comes out!


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